prone to wander

Lord if i'm ever neglecting you, i pray that every ounce of my body can tell... 

that my spirit is not well if something comes before you... 

that my desire, my craving, is to fill that void with YOU.

This is the prayer i wrote in my journal while on an airplane {i adopted it from my adventure friend}. i returned to life in Austin with a refreshed spirit after our escape to sweet Tennessee.

i can't say that this prayer kicked in the day i returned to real life, but sure enough, God was faithful. He answered my request with tangible, unavoidable evidence that was so real it actually made me laugh.

i went to the UT football game this past Saturday afternoon with a group of my close friends, and afterwards we went to a house to order pizza and watch some more football. As we walked up to the front door, i realized i had been very quiet and felt off. Where would i have rather been? Who did i want to be with? What did i want to be doing? All these questions came into my head as i tried to figure out why i wasn't content. My birthday was a couple hours away, so i was even more confused why i wasn't excited and i blamed it on the lie in my head that it wouldn't be a fun birthday {pathetic}.

During halftime i abruptly stepped out of the room to make a phone call, thinking that would clear my head. Well, the phone call itself wasn't the answer, but going outside was definitely a godsend. It was just getting dark and the air was cool and clear... and so i just started walking away. Talking out loud, saying things i was thankful for {might sound cheesy but it was about as sincere as it gets} and praising Jesus for the gifts in my life. The cool part was that this wasn't me.
It was coming from my soul and i knew it.
And the next thing i knew i was singing,

"Come thou fount of every blessing,

tune my heart to sing thy grace.

Streams of mercy, never ceasing

call for songs of loudest praise.

Teach me some melodious sonnet,

sung by flaming tongues above.

Praise thy mount, i'm fixed upon it,

mount of thy unchanging love.

O to grace how great a debtor

daily i'm constrained to be.

Let thy goodness, like a fetter,

bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord i feel it,

Prone to leave the God i love.

So here's my heart, Lord take and seal it,

seal if for thy courts above."

My sweet Savior knew i hadn't spent any time with Him that day. He plucked me out of my little world and tuned, bound, sealed my heart. i realized this as i sang, and without another thought, took off running. In my cowboy boots and everything. i ran until i felt peace flood my soul, and then i walked back, smiling at my Father's goodness and laughing at my own blindness to what was wrong. What a sweet reminder to pray big. Ask for tangible things, not just up-in-the-air, fluffy prayers, because if they line up with God's will for us He won't withhold them. He could just be waiting for us to ask.

sweet tennessee

A week ago i flew to Nashville, Tennessee to reunite with my Windy Gap family for the weekend. i believe that God can reach us in any situation, but in this case it took going to another state for me to learn a couple valuable bits of wisdom.

i cannot write this without talking about freedom, because that has been the theme of this current season of my life. And freedom is exactly what Jesus gave me as i drove down those Tennessee highways, surrounded by clean air and brilliant trees and friends who were hand-picked for me by my King himself.

Another kind of freedom dawned on me too... involving my relationship status. That Friday night we went to a concert where a significant percentage of the audience was believers, and i met some great people that reminded me of my community back in Austin. One thing about my wonderful community is our tendency to get caught up in thoughts such as, "Well this is it. This is our pool of people [to date]" and, "It's the ideal place to meet my spouse..." and, "i'm running out of time..." and, "What am i doing wrong?" 

What are we doing wrong? We're limiting God. i can't say i've gone off the deep end in these thoughts, but i'll admit they definitely apply to me. And last weekend God said, "See! Don't waste time worrying, planning, scheming, because you don't even know what is out there. I am limitless. My plans for you are beyond your capacity of understanding." And just like that, i felt free.

i got to fly home to Austin with one of those hand-picked friends, and she has a thing for letter-writing. In October she wrote me a note opening with this:

"Galatians 5:1– 'It is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free. Stand firm and do not let yourselves be burdened by a yoke of slavery.' FREEDOM. I hope today you're chasing that instead of affection or self-righteousness or earthly crowns. Just freedom. Open-handed and playfully saying YES to spontaneity. 'You, my SISTER, were called to be free...'"

Open-handed, playful, unchained. He set you and i free two thousand years ago for us to live in freedom.

fellowship of the unashamed

By: David Guinn

I am a part of the fellowship of the Unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit Power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals. 

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by presence, learn by faith, love by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.

My pace is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, deterred, lured away, turned back, diluted, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up, back up, let up, or shut up until I've preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I must go until He returns, give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes.

And when he comes to get his own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My colors will be clear for "I am not ashamed of the Gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes." {Romans 1:16}

ladder to the stars {part one}

"and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us." - Acts 17:26-27

Well i may not know what i'm doing here, but at least someone does. i have the opportunity to study at a wonderful university and it's easy to feel like time is running out. i just honestly don't know what i want to get from this. It's hard feeling like you're growing up but don't have a clue what that is going to look like.

i started praying for this about 9 months ago, have asked many people about it in that time, finally turned to the Word of God for an answer about 2 weeks ago.. yet i'm still empty-handed. And it's frustrating and discouraging and confusing and aimless but it's not an accident.

Because i trust that, as long as i'm pursuing Him, God will unveil my eyes at the right moment– i'm just not there yet. So i need to calm down.. the clock is ticking but God hasn't left me behind!

"he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts" - Luke 1:51

"to enable us to serve him without fear.. all our days." - Luke 1:74

It's possible that pride is a reason for my lack of direction. i've been able to get along "on my own" just fine– actually i'm very pleased with how my life has gone so far– so plucking that sense of personal accomplishment from my hands {and thoughts} leaves me humbled and incompetent like a child. But it's the escape from the world's "on my own" mindset that actually frees us and enables us to serve 

without fear.

"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation" 

- Philippians 4:11-12

Still can't believe i'm now the chaperone at the homecoming dance. 

Thank God for name-tags.. the only thing distinguishing me from a high school student.

{p.s. don't my girls look beautiful?}

but let's be real.. i'm still a kid who loves getting messy and roller blading in minion costumes and wearing overalls and getting on shoulders to be able to see at concerts.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

time to boast

Last Thursday i almost went downtown but instead i went to my precious friend's house and laid on her roof, eating ice cream and talking. The kind of talking that awakens even the sleepiest mood and makes you think.. but is also effortless. The night showed me that i'd been rushing through the last couple weeks, and it also revealed a lot about why i've felt so drained lately.

i was romanced by Jesus last autumn, and that fire burned relentlessly all year. After a summer full of adventures, new friendships and a lot of learning, i came back to Austin and quickly grew internally complacent. As soon as Chi-O recruitment ended, i found myself going days without desiring to read my Bible and memorize scripture [both which i had been PUMPED about this summer].

i also found myself focusing inward a lot, not in a narcissistic way but through my prayers and thoughts i dwelled on my weaknesses. God answered my prayer this summer to reveal my sin to me [Romans 3:20], but then praying for my areas of improvement almost consumed me. Because there are a lot of them.

"'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

God's power shining through my failure? Time to boast! i am selfish, envious, deceitful, materialistic, prideful. i compare, lie, judge, gossip, manipulate. And even more.. but i think that was vulnerable enough to get the point across. Why dwell when we can rejoice?

"if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." - john 8:36 

And that's exactly what He's done for me.

So beyond rejoicing at the grace that comes from Christ (and frees me from the weight of my yuckiness), i can spend time praying for others too. i'm called to do that, in fact, for my own benefit– it teaches my heart to be both light and heavy for others.

Last Thursday, God unveiled my eyes to an immediate purpose He has for me. He made me feel needed by girls around me [even though i know He's more than capable without me] and for that reason i will pour myself into serving those needs and praying for others.

small

It's good to be back in Austin, Texas. The new apartment is coming along nicely, even though my nine roommates and i have almost no time to finish decorating it. {yes, i have nine roommates and they're all incredible girls} Anyway, the transition from camp life to here has been so fast-paced that i think my mind is struggling to catch up to my feet..

At Windy Gap, God taught me about humility. i've been praying for months that He would reveal my sin to me and to be honest i didn't see it for a long time which frustrated me. His timing was perfect though, like usual, and He unveiled my eyes to see into my heart some deep filth that kept me from Him. 

In the past i've associated pride with guys, because it seems masculine and cocky, but wow i'm so glad i can see now that pride is not limited to that. {it's repulsive and life-sucking} i realized that thoughts i sometimes wasn't even conscious of were the opposite of how Jesus– the King of the world– thought of himself and others.

"In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

   Who, being in very nature God,

 did not consider equality with God something

to be used to his own advantage;

  rather, he made himself nothing

by taking the very nature of a servant,

being made in human likeness." - Philippians 2:5-7

^He didn't have to do that. But perfect Love drove Him to be small. Jesus was setting an example for how we should view ourselves– not so that we feel insignificant, but that we share in His complete joy.

Small. Windy Gap. Sweet Justice Photography.

Multiple times a day at summer staff i saw how highly i thought of myself and how proud i was of "my" accomplishments, "my" reputation, blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong, i did give God the glory some of the time, but i was not near as small in my head as i should've been. Intentions are tricky, and i'm frighteningly good at manipulating myself to believe my intentions are pure and genuine when usually there is personal gain involved.

Thankfully God answered my prayers; He allowed me to catch myself in these moments of self-love, and He brought me to my knees in surrender. Oh how i long to be more like Jesus, who humbled himself by becoming obedient to death when He actually had power over death! {Philippians 2:8} 

i've fallen in love with being small. The special thing is that you can be small and still be funny, loved, known, a leader. That's exactly how Jesus did it! And it made people feel important and worthy of love. So it's a win-win! The smaller i am, the better others feel about themselves and the better i feel about myself. Because like i said, God intended this for our own good.

So now my prayer is this:

God please don't let me view myself higher than i ought, but let me be small and in return let people see You and your Joy in me. Give me the desire and ability to love well and have the mindset of Christ Jesus. Continue to bring me to my knees in humble adoration of your Love. Amen.

transformed by the renewing of my mind. Sweet Justice Photography.

a reason to celebrate

Hello from Weaverville, North Carolina!

i'm at Windy Gap, which is an amazing place where last Saturday 175 high school kids stood up and proclaimed that they said, "i do" to Jesus that week.

Pretty incredible, but thank goodness it's not just about numbers. Each camper has a story, and i've had the privilege to participate in what is hopefully one of the best weeks of their lives. One camper in particular is here right now, and God chose him to stir my heart two days ago at the rock climbing tower where i work.

Isaac is blind; he's here with a group of visually/hearing impaired students. My interaction with him was simple but lovely. i hesitantly {doubtfully} handed him a harness and helmet before realizing my help was necessary in this preparation process. My thoughts wandered to, "how do i belay someone who can't see," and, "i can't do this." Can't. How gross that i had such little faith in that moment, before joyful Isaac brought me back, telling me about his five laps around the Nascart track by himself. 

Miracle number one of the day.

i then witnessed, through blurry eyes, Isaac slowly but surely climb all the way to the top of the tower.. held up by me.. each hand and foot placement directed by me. {Lord, i am not worthy of such an important task! Thank You!} i spoke, gentle yet firm, and Isaac confidently obeyed. Once or twice he called out, "do NOT let me down! i'm gonna get this." and when he reached the top, he didn't even know until i told him.

Man, i want to be like Isaac. i want to trust God: sit back in my harness as He lowers me into valleys and climb confidently with the knowledge that He's got me when i get weak and need to rest. Just as Isaac listened to each step, using all his strength to get there, i want to hear God and obey. Like how he had no idea what i looked like or how strong i was, Isaac trusted that i wouldn't let him fall or lead him astray. i want to trust and have hope like that. Like how Isaac yearned for that victorious moment even though he couldn't see the obstacle in front of him. i want to want it that bad. Miracle number two.

Now a third revelation i experienced in that situation was the miraculous gift of intimate, appropriate touch. Hugging Isaac when he returned to ground was such a sweet and humbling moment where i got to praise Jesus and celebrate this small but huge feat.

Hope. Hear. Trust. Obey. Celebrate.

divine appointment | present-day miracle

One of the great things about pursuing Jesus daily is that He has already been pursuing me {and you} forever. So it's not this one-way street of unrequited love. He will make Himself known if i'm willing to look beyond the physical realm we live in and see into the spiritual realm where God is working everyday. And sometimes divine interventions are unavoidably and obviously crafted by Him, like my encounter with James in Williams, Arizona.

i never pictured angels wearing leather bomber jackets and Converse sneakers but hey, God works in mysterious ways and shouldn't be limited (not to mention He loves blowing my expectations to bits). Okay, quick background info: i road-tripped with my Young Life team to Arizona where all of UTYL met and prepared Lost Canyon (a camp for high schoolers). When the work was done, we spent a day at the Grand Canyon worshipping and admiring this natural wonder of the world.

So on the way back to camp, we got hungry and stopped in the little town of Williams for dinner. We were crossing the street when a guy not too far from our age called out letting us know that this Mexican restaurant was good. Sweet, he sounded like he knew the area better than we did so we took his advice.. and invited him to eat with us too. As it turned out, he hadn't been there for too long; he had bought a motorcycle in Washington and drove down the west coast until he stopped there because he was down to one penny.

i could go on and on about his incredible story and how unique his perspective was, but i'll use the biblical book of James to convey what he taught me.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." (1:2-3)

• On the coast of northern California James decided to go surfing in a storm. After large waves and wind knocked him under and broke his board in half, he found himself closer to death than he had ever felt. He tried fighting the currents, gave up knowing he couldn't win and in a final moment of desperation he called out to Jesus to save him. Here, he found himself standing on a rock out in the middle of the water. And we think miracles are outdated! Watching him tell this story with tears in his eyes and the biggest smile told me he wasn't kidding. Talk about a test of faith.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." (1:5-6)

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." (1:12)

"The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position." (1:9)

• James had a lovely attitude about money that opened my eyes and reminded me of God's promise of provision. "Use what you need and give the rest away." I saw that when he donated half of his wallet to the live musician playing at the restaurant. Wealth can replace our trust in God if we're not careful. {he had just gotten a job as a waiter in Williams}

"Every good and perfect gift is from above." (1:17)

"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." (4:6)

• Along the way, James stopped to try and snag a care pack that was being distributed to homeless war veterans. He knew he was lying but figured he could really use what they were offering in the package, so when the man asked for James' military identification number, he threw out a random number. It didn't work, and he explained his situation and apologized for lying. Said he learned his lesson and moved on. But as he was leaving the man came to him with a pack saying God told him to give it to James. Thanks God.

"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." (1:22)

"In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." (2:17)

• James had read the book Love Does and believed in the power of doing. In fact, he reminds me of Bob Goff, the book's crazy and incredibly wise author.

"keep oneself from being polluted by the world." (1:27)

• We asked James if he had a phone, to which he replied, "lately, no." He decided that his phone hindered him from interacting with people. The way he saw it, if he had a question he would much rather ask someone and have a great conversation than Google search and find the answer immediately. What a beautiful and adventurous perspective. 

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." (4:14)

• A harsh truth, but a reminder to live fully and live in the present. As James told stories of fun times camping on beaches, he remembered when a man passed him going to work in the morning and then again in the evening. He stopped and offered James to stay on his property, which ended up being in a California celebrity neighborhood. {not to mention James knows Macklemore. what?}

"Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise." (5:13)

• This defines my angel, James. After a long dinner, we laid hands on James and prayed for him. And in return, he tearfully prayed the most beautiful, genuine prayer i have EVER heard. His asking was begging and his thankfulness was deep, heartfelt gratitude that had my whole team crying. i have chills just thinking about it.

i know James is human, but he's also my angel because i know that God reached His hand down and placed him in my life that day to teach me not to be so narrow-minded about life. And now every time i see a single penny, i think of James.

THE TEAM AND JAMES.
{Abbey, Hayden, Matthew, Haleigh, Katie, Tayler, Annie, James, me}

i think this captures the joy i felt that day..

the comeback

For the last three months i've stared at my computer aware of the thoughts and stories i want to get out, but for some reason i just couldn't do it. i'm struggling to type right now too. i know how much i've experienced and grown this season but i realize i haven't slowed down enough to process it all.

A professor last semester said that we need punctuation marks in life. Celebrations, ceremonies, rituals and even tragedies mark seasons in our lives and help us slow down. Birthdays, weddings, funerals, promotions and graduations are some common examples of exclamation marks. There are commas, periods and question marks as well.. And then there's the place in which i've found myself: a run-on sentence. 

As my first year of college came to a close, i took my finals, moved back home, drove to Arizona with my Young Life team, started my internship with West Houston Young Life, took weekend trips to Canyon Lake and Austin, rode a bus to a high school camp in Colorado, came back and then did it again with more high school friends to go hiking for a week in the wilderness. And that's where i realized what i was doing. Well, more like what i wasn't doing.

i was told in the Young Life office about a book called The Rest of God, which reminds us that there is power and healing in practicing the Sabbath like God intended for us. It's not an ancient rule that no longer applies to us. It's liberation; a chance to sit back and heal, feed, rescue, celebrate, lavish and relish the abundant life we've been given (Mark Buchanan). We work so hard to fill all our time with productivity, but our Creator tells us that is not going to fill our souls. Refuel by doing something you love; by separating yourself from your busyness and by being still. 

"The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath." - Mark 2:27

It's a gift. The backpacking trip i just returned from was surprisingly relaxing for me and provided me an opportunity to completely disconnect and spend time in creation with my one true Love. It opened my eyes to the beauty i've experienced in the last few months and how i haven't spent enough time thanking the Lord for what He's taught me. And even though i'll be in and out of town until summer ends, my excitement for spilling my thoughts has returned and i can't wait to share my
adventures of pursuing Jesus daily.

"Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he [Jesus] said to them, 'Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.'" - Mark 6:31

"The truth is, God would never endorse a pace (even in ministry) that leaves us so worn out that we have little time and energy for him at the end of the day. On the other hand, I know who would love to keep you busy, frantic, worn out, beat-up, and used up." - Vicki Courtney, author of Ever After

upon the waters

i want to live a walk-on-water kind of life.

"When evening came, he [Jesus] was there alone, but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

- Matthew 14:23-29

The Jews divided the night into four watches, each lasting three hours. Jesus sent his disciples out on the lake at dusk and prayed by himself until the fourth watch- about 3 in the morning. In this darkest part of the night, he walked out on the water against the wind and waves to join his friends. He knew they would be afraid and he was prepared to answer them. Peter challenges Jesus by asking to join Him outside the comfort of the boat, and Jesus beckons him.

What does this look like for me? Jesus calls me to go out and live abundantly. That includes the sunset boat rides with friends and the unknown of the darkness. He is thinking about me in the good and bad times and makes his presence known to me at just the right moments. And when i question Him and tell him to instruct me, He responds- with answers better than anything i could concoct.

"Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" - Matthew 14:30

Thank you, Peter, for stepping out of the boat.

i'm picturing it rocking and him swinging his leg over then shifting his weight as he realizes he isn't sinking. That adrenaline rush. He's a normal guy who just asked Jesus for something impossible. But then the second his focus shifts to the logistics of the situation, he forgets the endless boundaries of the Lord's power and he falls. This mirrors what happens when we try to do things on our own. Imagine being in that position and keeping your eyes locked on Jesus.. That is my goal every day. Like Peter i get distracted and lose my footing, but praise Him for the immeasurable mercy He shows me. 

"Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him." - Matthew14:31

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) - [Hillsong United]

you call me out upon the waters, the great unknown

my feet may fail

and there i find you in the mystery, in oceans deep

my faith will stand

and i will call upon your name and keep my eyes above the waves

when oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace

for i am yours and you are mine

Spirit lead me when my trust is without borders

let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me

take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior

i will call upon your name and keep my eyes above the waves

my soul will rest in your embrace for i am yours and you are mine

"and i will walk on water
and You will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
i know everything will be alright"
[Storm- Lifehouse]

beyond our understanding

"Look up at the heavens and see;

gaze at the clouds so high above you. 

If you sin, how does that affect him?

If you are righteous, what do you give to him,

or what does he receive from your hand?"

- Job 35:5-7

Nothing. That's the answer. He is so much bigger than our sin, and we have nothing to offer Him. But how relieving is that? Our Father is different from all other gods because of this: He is constant and He does not need us to accomplish His master plan. Gaze at the clouds so high above you and realize how small you are. Realize how good He is. The skies proclaim His glory (Psalm 19:1) even amidst all the destruction of our world. In the chapter above, Elihu is speaking to Job about his individual sin but this can also be spoken to humanity. Sin and evil and chaos abound but our King is unaffected. It makes me think of the explosions in Boston and West, Texas. Both intentional and accidental, God reigns over all.

"God is mighty, but does not despise men; he is mighty, and firm in his purpose."

- Job 36:5

 He allows things to happen, but only out of love. Because if he put a stop to all evil, that would leave us as His puppets and not individuals who think on their own. He loves us so much that he allows us to choose to love him, rather than forcing us to! But giving us that choice means allowing sin to remain in the world. What human could come up with something like this? He has a plan beyond our capacity of understanding: a plan that man could never create. That's why people doubt and run from Him- we're sinners and we don't understand.

"But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering;

he speaks to them in their affliction."

- Job 36:15

Deliverance: rescue, relief; liberation

Words of comfort in a time where so many are hurting. 

My prayer is that we can be still, listen, and seek Him.

"He is wooing you from the jaws of distress

to a spacious place free from restriction,

to the comfort of your table laden with choice food."

- Job 36:16

God does not orchestrate the chaos that surrounds us but he does provide shelter from it, and before the ashes even settle he makes good things happen. He is always victorious over satan.

"Beware of turning to evil, which you seem to prefer to affliction."
- Job 36:21

Satan entices us with alternatives even when we know better. Jesus suffered so much for us and we are on this planet to live for Him, even if that means suffering for Him. Elihu says beware: this is our warning. Better to temporarily endure earthly afflictions than turn your back on our Savior. So i pray for the ignorant, those who don't know better, and i pray for the disobedient- those who do know and choose what appears easier.

"Who is a teacher like him?"
- Job 36:22

Not Ghandi or Buddha; they fit earthly descriptions of spiritual leaders. i heard a quote that declared that no religious leader other than Jesus made people cry "crucify him!" This is because He didn't fit the mold of what man expected our Savior to display. Because God doesn't play by our rules.

"How great is God– beyond our understanding!"
- Job 36:26

We cannot grasp His goodness until we arrive home.

season of singing

"Flowers appear on the earth;

the season of singing has come"

-Song of Songs 2:12

When Annie and i decided to search Houston for bluebonnets over Easter weekend, our first attempt failed but we ended up on a short, Narnia-like path into a huge field surrounded by trees. For two 19-year-old girls, this blanket of purple flowers in the late-afternoon sun was quite a treasure. They weren't bluebonnets, but we decided to pause our search anyway. Annie loves flowers, i love photography, and we both love pita chips so naturally we had a picnic and photo shoot. The best part was the conversation we shared. In this place where the Wind was the only movement, we were able to be still. And in a moment of simple brilliance as she carried around her purple, yellow and white bouquet, Annie said, "it's crazy how fast they wilt when they're cut off from their source of life." And we looked at each other and realized the unintentional depth of her statement. In John 15, Jesus tells it how it is.

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 

He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, 

while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes 

so that it will be even more fruitful...

Remain in me, and I will remain in you...

If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; 

apart from me you can do nothing."

Annie plucked those flowers from their life source and we watched them wither in no time. It reminds me of how thankful i am for the gift of Jesus from our Father. Through Him we have life, something that's been drilled into me forever but i heard differently this Easter season. It's easy to fall under the delusion that we can do it alone, but He's in control and every good and perfect gift is from above (James 1:17) so us taking credit for our accomplishments is just silly. Together God and i can do anything so i choose to remain in Him and let Him prune [trim; shape] me to become the best version of myself.

"For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. For, 'All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever.'" - 1 Peter 1:23-25

We can be connected to the Vine or we can try to do life on our own.

 Today, right now, we are living or we are dying. 

It's our choice, and the season of singing has come.

{two days later we found our bluebonnets}

dream of miracles, knock with confidence

"Be earnest and unwearied and steadfast in your prayer, being both alert and intent with thanksgiving." 
- Colossians 4:2

God has been teaching me a lot about prayer these days. It's amazing how literally the Bible should be taken, because when it says, "knock and it will be opened to you" (Matthew 7:7), the truth is revealed of how simple it is. i can discuss every little thought in my head with my Father, and it's always nice to have someone to share things with who will perpetually listen and never grow tired of that. i've realized that it's a day-by-day thing too. There are days when i wake up and thank God, first thing, for that upcoming day, which sets the tone so much differently than the mornings i step out of bed without saying hi to Him. As i walk with Jesus throughout the day, i love giving him credit for littlest things, and i see that "being both alert and intent with thanksgiving" is so rewarding because He opens my eyes to gifts i can enjoy that normally i would overlook.

As for Paul's command to be "earnest and unwearied and steadfast," i have found this
wonderfully challenging and exhausting.

earnest: resulting from intense conviction; zealous

unwearied: persisting tirelessly; indefatigable

steadfast: resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering; constant

My close friend Elizabeth had her third head surgery last week, and i got to experience a beautiful picture of community and faith because of her. Another friend put together a prayer chain email so that we could spread the news of her surgery and ask everyone we know and love to pray. It was so cool to see how people responded and how some loved Elizabeth without even knowing her, like my small group and my Young Life team. To sum it up, Elizabeth's head problems have haunted her for years and prevented her from her full potential of life. Two surgeries didn't work and this third was was basically it. We didn't care what the odds were, we just knew that our God could make this happen if we asked and believed. i had never fervently prayed for a miracle, but doing this for Elizabeth I felt so much confidence that the Lord knows what He's doing and He hears our requests. If we express our desires in prayer, He will fuel them and allow us to be zealous and dutifully firm.

"Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God." - Philippians 4:6

Elizabeth's surgery went well and she's healing now. It will be awhile before she knows if the procedure worked but for now we will just keep praying for a miracle. It was so special for me to get to see her radiant smile the day after, despite the eight incision marks on her face and the batman-looking, medically-advanced ice packs and gadgets surrounding her. Despite everything she had been through, she kind of resembles Job [see previous post]. She trusts that the Lord will use her for His glory so she stays strong and optimistic. And this has been such a blessing for me– who has never experienced such a physical pain and given it to God. That's the thing about knocking, because when God opens the door we don't know what will be on the other side. All we know is that we can trust Him to guide us as we step over the threshold into what He's prepared, in response to our request.

"It would seem that our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." - C.S. Lewis

We all need to open our eyes to God's limitless capabilities, and open our hearts to trust His intricately woven plan to bring us home. To paradise, better than a holiday at the sea.

she's beautiful.

freedom for the faithful

"My offenses will be sealed up in a bag; you will cover over my sin." – Job 14:17

When i read Job 14 yesterday that one verse reminded me of Wilderness– a week-long backpacking trip, put on by Young Life, in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. This is kind of gross, but i'll share anyway. During this wonderfully exhausting week, me and eleven other city girls had to humble ourselves to conditions we weren't exactly used to, including no showers or deodorant, one change of clothes, sleeping on a mat under a tarp, and carrying our meals on our backs. Along with meals, we carried a gallon-sized ziplock bag that was completely covered in duct tape. This was used to hold toilet paper, since we were out in the mountains and couldn't leave anything behind. The duct tape made sure the bag didn't tear and made it not transparent. Maybe i just figured that duct tape bag was what it looked like
for God to seal up my offenses.

Job wasn't talking about a bag of toilet paper when he speaks to God in this chapter. Job was a honest, righteous man who loved the Lord and was very prosperous until, "unknown to him, Job was involved in a cosmic test" (NIV Student Bible, Job intro). Satan believed Job only loved God because of the gifts He had given him, so God allowed Satan to take everything away, knowing Job would remain faithful. After raiders took his belongings and slaughtered his servants, fire from the sky burned his sheep; then winds destroyed his house and killed his family. Lastly Job got a painful disease as he sat in the ashes of his life. His friends came but provided no comfort, so he listened to their lies and replied to them and to God with questioning and hurt, but never betrayal of trust in his Lord's plans.

One thing Job's friends didn't hold back was their belief that God was punishing Job for some hidden sin in his life. They doubted his story although Job knew he was innocent.

"All the days of my hard service i will wait for my release to come.
You will call and i will answer you; 
you will long for the creature your hands have made. 
Surely then you will count my steps but not keep track of my sins." 
– Job 14:14-16

This is right before he says his offenses will be sealed in a bag. Job trusts that God is not done with him yet. That God will call on his precious handmade creature and guide him to safety. Multiple times Job refers to this rescue mission without knowing that Jesus is coming. He knew that his God was big enough to make a bag where no one could see the contents and that wouldn't break or be too small.

i can't believe i complained about carrying that gallon bag for a few days after comparing it to the burden Christ carried for us. We're broken and dirty and God sacrificed His Son in order to wash us clean.

"For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved 
and those who are perishing." 
– 2 Corinthians 2:15

God sees us as the subtle quality of Jesus: the fragrance or atmosphere of His workmanship on Earth.

the unpredictable path of obedience

Among the many powerful moments that occurred on my Spring Break trip, one encounter with a stranger stands out as a lesson straight from God.

It was right after our first club {gathering with skits, games, worship and a message} and my roommate was sick so i headed up to our room to check on her. i stepped into the elevator, Bible in hand, and the only man accompanying me asked what i had in my hand. He clearly knew what it was, but when he first saw and realized i shared his beliefs he had to ask– as a lead-in to the topic that was elatedly overflowing from his heart. He proceeded to tell me about how, long story short, that day he had told part of his testimony to someone who, in turn, accepted Jesus. i was delighted to share in his joy and as i left the elevator we introduced ourselves and i told him, Josh, that i would pray for this new believer's future.

Sweet story, but God wasn't through with Josh in my life yet. So every morning all 300 of us UT students met up in the hotel ballroom and then split into our set groups of about 10 people to have a time to discuss what we were learning and experiencing. We were impossible to avoid, spread throughout the hotel and on the beach as well. During our discussion, i felt a tap on the shoulder and turned around to see Josh standing there. He apologized for interrupting but asked if he could talk to me. We stepped away and started talking about the importance of obeying when we feel the Lord calling us to action. He wasn't sure how he would possibly see me again but something told him he would. He told me that his wife had been trying to start a Bible study back at home– that it was hard and that she hadn't had luck with the people she was contacting and that she was discouraged. He said she was a wonderful woman of God and he believed she was capable of leading but that for some reason he thought God wanted to use me to encourage her. It still takes my breath away to even type that out. 

He handed me a note with my name on it and his wife, Brittany's contact information. i took it and expressed how honored i was to possibly be used by God to help a stranger establish a community in a state i didn't even live in. i went back to my circle and later as he carried his last bag out to his car to leave, he laid a beautiful pink flower on my Bible. My group was thrilled to hear such a random story the Lord was orchestrating. Not long after this, he showed up again saying he wrote down the wrong email address! He told his wife he had to turn the car around and come back to the hotel,
and i ended up getting to meet Brittany and their baby as well.

This family blessed me in ways they didn't even know. My mind told me to be cautious because of common knowledge about interacting with strangers, but my heart told me to trust God and follow the steps He was laying before me, steps to have faith and obey. After meeting Brittany i couldn't understand how i would be of any help to her. But then i reminded myself it wasn't me or my wisdom that would be spoken. What a relief! If anything, it is the Spirit in me. A friend pointed me to read Job and what this book is teaching me blows my mind. In it a young man approaches Job {a "blameless and upright" man who had been given much and then had everything stripped painfully away}, to give him counsel after Job's friends cannot honestly comfort him.

"i am young in years, and you are old; that is why i was fearful, not daring to tell you what i know. i thought 'age should speak; advanced years should teach wisdom.' But it is the spirit in a man, the breath of the Almighty, that gives him understanding. It is not only the old who are wise, not only the aged who understand what is right." - Job 32:6-9

So now i get the privilege of praying for this family and hopefully seeing what happens. i know God's timing is perfect, because when i went to find my sick roommate, i passed the place where she was and mindlessly got in that elevator. Then the elevator took us to the wrong floor, which allowed Josh time to tell his story. He then found me among all 300 kids as he left his vacation. None of this is a coincidence! We were created by a God who also created solar systems and DNA. From the most infinite to the most intricate things that have ever existed. So to believe that He doesn't put people in our lives for a reason is like believing that gravity doesn't exist. We can pretend to float around, but we can't avoid God's ultimate and beautifully woven plan for our lives.

being light {..pun}

This past week was Spring Break and i had the privilege to go to Destin, FL with UT Young Life. i had heard stories about how amazing it would be.. this year was the biggest group yet to go, and God definitely showed up in incredibly big ways.

He was especially present to me personally because of a little choice my friend and i made– we broke the norm and wore one-pieces on the beach all week. Maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal but in my mind it was a hard sacrifice. Why did we do it? i asked myself every time i saw a cute bikini and passed the area where girls tanned each day. Before the trip, it took me a while to really believe that it wasn't pointless or crazy but once i wrote out my thoughts, prayed, and talked to a couple of my guy friends, i felt firm in my reasoning. i was doing it for guys, for girls, and for myself. Guys can't help but be visual– something i may not know much about but i do know enough to feel convicted to help them out. Wearing a one-piece can help relieve the battle that's so present in their minds. "To us there is no difference between you in your underwear and you in your bikini. It's hard to see a girl in a bikini and think, 'wow God is great' and start worshiping Him." i'm so thankful for my friends' honesty because with how normal bikinis are, it's so easy to forget the overall image. i hesitated in the decision because i was afraid of appearing condescending, like other girls in two-pieces didn't care about their brothers in Christ as much as i did– which is completely false. But after going through this week i can joyfully and confidently say that my original uncertainty was irrelevant, because since i figured out why i was doing what i was doing i had no fear and God filled me with assurance, which overflowed and showed my motivation. That's why i never felt like i was coming off as self-righteous: a response which would have only pushed people away.

Another reason to wear my one-piece was directed at girls. We may not be quite so visual, but comparison can be equally as sinful and destructive as lusting. Looking through the windows of Victoria's Secret at huge posters of barely-clothed women can make a girl compare herself and wish she looked differently. In Ephesians 2 Paul says, "we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus." So comparing ourselves and wishing we look different is criticizing our Lord's artwork that He cherishes and finds great joy in. It's like a slap in His face! Or looking at someone else could have the opposite affect; it would still cause comparison but in a prideful way– for example, a subconscious thought of, "i'm in better shape than she is." Comparison and pride. What a deadly combination.

"Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry... And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
- Colossians 3:5,17

Whether you look at someone else and feel better or worse about yourself, it is all destructive because we are putting our worth in it. That makes appearance an idol: something that holds more importance to us than Jesus. Last year there is no way i would've sacrificed my two-pieces, and i can't promise that i always will, but by doing it now maybe God spoke through me.. a message about not being of this world and about loving others above myself by not wearing something that could potentially hurt someone's heart. i definitely had to rely on Jesus this past week because if He wasn't the center of my focus i would have failed. i had to make sure i was not envying other girls for cute swim suits or attention from guys. i couldn't be prideful and i couldn't doubt myself. Hopefully someone appreciated what i did but if not, i still got to challenge myself for the Lord. And it was fun! i may have gotten weird tan lines but i spent my time playing and not worrying about what i looked like. Kind of a freeing feeling.

"i consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus."
- Philippians 3:8

i agree with Paul's statement above. The gains of the world equal a loss to me because of how great the gains are when i'm living for Jesus.

branded

"Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit"

- Ephesians 1:13

The Holy Spirit is God in us; what a beautiful brand. 

A tattoo on our souls. 

A mark of eternal belongingness.

An internal comfort, like sipping hot chocolate.

A loud nudge, like a racing heartbeat.

A quiet calm that gives us chills.

A guiding light that allows us to see.

A gentle wind that makes us still.

"The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." - John 3:8

The greek word for wind is the same for spirit and is also used for breath. Since these are synonymous, we should use them as interchangeable reminders. My immediate reaction to wind is usually to feel cold or wish it would stop messing up my hair.. kind of makes me sound like a diva. Or sometimes my reaction is different, like if i have all the windows down and a good song on in the car. Then the wind adds to my happy mood and makes me feel alive.

So then that's also the Spirit making me feel alive. Why can't i always see it this way? It's easy to mistake the Spirit in us as just our own thoughts or a guilty conscious. i wish i was better at obeying the Spirit, because that would mean more windows-down-and-fresh-air joy. The Holy Spirit is promised to us, it's a gift. It's a part of the Trinity, aka 

GOD our Father who became flesh and now lives in us. 

"For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord, who is the Spirit, makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image." 

- 2 Corinthians 3:17-18

Earlier i said the Holy Spirit is a guiding light that allows us to see. This verse puts it perfectly! We have a veil over our heads (or i see it as a lens covering our eyes) and the Spirit is what has the power to remove that and allow us to see God's glory. It shines so bright that when we finally see it, it reflects off of us and that's how we are changed into his glorious image. 

Another cool reference that comes to mind when i think about the Holy Spirit is Sarayu's portrayal in William P. Young's, The Shack.

"'Speaking of Sarayu, is she the Holy Spirit?'

'Yes. She is Creativity; she is Action; she is the Breathing of Life; she is much more. She is my [Jesus'] Spirit.'

'And her name, Sarayu?'

'That is a simple name from one of our human languages. It means, 'Wind,' a common wind actually. She loves that name.'" (pg. 110)

Creativity, Action, Breathing of Life. All God-like, yet within our capabilities. This is what we are promised when we choose Jesus and his Freedom. We get branded– like my Bible which wears the brand of Wilderness Ranch, a Young Life camp, so i will never forget my amazing week spent there with Jesus in the mountains. We get branded with the breathing of abundant life, and we should never forget it.

in the calm

A week ago two friends and i drove to College Station to go to a Breakaway girls event. Breakaway is a weekly gathering where thousands of Texas A&M students come together to worship and listen to the truth be taught. Being in one place with a thousand girls was special and pure. One song caught my attention but didn't sink in until after the message
when the band came back to the stage. The lyric said something about
having hope although darkness may be ahead.

i realized that i had been hearing this message a lot lately. Why would i notice something like that? The scary part was that the first image that came to mind was my brothers. Dan and Matt are twins, sophomores in high school, and probably some of my best friends in the world. Thinking of darkness coming and then seeing them was not comforting and i was suddenly gripped by fear. i knew that God sometimes gives us periods of joy and growth and simplicity in order to prepare us for a time of struggle and i instantly began to cling to my peace. This must be the calm before the storm.. i was so sad to think that. My fear for my brothers snowballed and made me realize they're closest to my heart in this world. What if something happened to one of them and i had failed them as a sister? As i've matured, i now see death as a victory, but this burden was physically weighing me down. i had never feared the future like this before.

Later that night i was able to talk to a wise friend and together, with the Lord totally guiding our conversation, we came to somewhat of a conclusion. Fear is not something God puts in us. He commands us over and over in the Bible, "Do not fear." Around 365 times in fact.. enough for every day of the year. Perhaps satan was trying to attack me in such a holy moment, because i felt like this coming trouble was in my control and i was losing my hold on it and there was nothing i could do. There's both a lie and a truth there. Nothing is in my control, praise God for that. Every day i need to surrender, open my hands and give the reins to my Father because here is the truth: there is nothing i can do on my own. All i can do is let go and allow God to direct my path. i need to be thankful for this calm because it is a blessing and i did nothing to deserve it! How can i be so selfish that i deny His commands and hold tight to what i think is best
when He is the creator of eternity?

The day after i got back to Austin, i received the daily text from my church at home.

"The Gospel (good news) is that we can trust in what God has done for us in Jesus
 and we need not fear death."

My mom sent me this Dolly Parton quote without knowing my struggle.
Funny how God uses people to send us messages.

It will be interesting to see what comes now. God might have used my moment of weakness in College Station just to remind me of who is in control. Who knows if something is actually coming that will wreck my pretty little world, but by the grace of God i can say that i will cling only to Him, and glorify Him all the way till i make it home.

Thankful to love on Dan and Matt and be their only big sis in the world. Photo by Annie Whitehead.