spirit-whispers

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory..."

glory: high renown or honor won by notable achievements
To him be the glory for anything and everything that becomes of my life.

O lifter of my head, I look to you and I give up my fear, timidity, self-doubt, complacency, comparison, selfishness. I believe. Help my unbelief. How easy it is to settle for ordinary and safety and the familiar-- but how many blessings am I giving up when I pass up a risk?

Risk should be opportunity. Opportunity is a gift.

"You will have plenty of God-ordained opportunities. Your job is to see and seize those opportunities by tuning in to the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit. And you'll be amazed at the way those spirit-whispers get you where God wants you to go." { In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day }

Tune my heart to see your spirit-whispers!

On June 14th, a world of possibility opened in my life. Well really it began about four weeks before then, but on June 14th I was above the Atlantic Ocean on a plane returning from Lusaka, Zambia. My time there was spent learning about Zambia's education system and loving on Zambia's unclaimed children.

Before that trip I was secretly cynical toward African orphan mission work: calling it trendy, rolling my eyes, and saying it just wasn't my thing. But God tends to choose people like me for a heart-change and wow is it humbling and exciting and terrifying when he does. I like to think of it as a parallel situation to what God did with that stubborn, self-righteous dude named Saul. He was struck blind while walking through a desert (on his way to persecute people who fought to make Jesus' name known), and told by a mighty, undeniable voice that he was to change his lifestyle and fight for what he once disdained. Sounds kinda like the spirit-whisper I'm hearing.

And then God used Paul to travel thousands of miles, establish churches, write half of the New Testament and much more. So why do I choose to believe that others are more useful than I am? That's the enemy trying to stop God's never-ending winning streak. God loves using people who are unlikely to be used because it is proof of His existence and His power and His affection!

I don't want to live vicariously through other people's stories of God's power!

No more silence; no more fear of committing to too much and risking failure. I finally have a glimpse of direction, aka a dream. I want to go, whether it's to Zambia or Uganda or somewhere not yet revealed to me, and teach. On June 14th I thought that meant to teach kids, but I've realized I would also love to empower local people by teaching them how to become teachers themselves. Teachers who have hope for their students that is founded on the solid rock of Christ. What if I went somewhere that this was not yet established, and paired with an organization that sponsors orphan children to give them an education. I could branch off and have adults sponsored to get teaching and ministry certificates. I could start schools and bring hope and love through education. I believe I could do it, because I have a God that is limitless living inside me. Oh, but my stomach drops as I type this. Fear of what people think, of what I have to lose, of what happens if I fail. But I can't get this dream out of my head... so I'll quit being silent and I'll start living out this dream, baby steps at a time, even if I have no idea what could happen. Yeah I'm uncertain of what my future holds, but I am certain of the One holds it.

"To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways; we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is generally said with a sigh of sadness; it should rather be an expression of breathless expectation." - Oswald Chambers

God, blow my mind! 
I come to you with breathless expectation. 
I have nothing to offer, but I will do whatever you want me to do.

fifty shades

I saw the trailer for a movie coming out that's based on a bestseller book. It seems like an empty, desperate attempt to quench the never-ending thirst of our society, but I imagine that satisfaction just leaves readers haunted with even more unmet longings. God was cunning when he set eternity in our hearts, John Eldredge says, because there's only one thing that can truly quench our thirst.

I'm thinking of how good God is, and how big. He takes the term "fifty shades" (the title, referring to a person who has many faces), and fulfills that himself in a holy and beautiful way- one that humans have a hard time grasping. He is a Trinity of power, intimacy, and direction. 

"There is a far better way to describe this man than 'perfect.' Jesus is beautiful. He is not glistening white marble. He is the playfulness of creation, scandal and utter goodness, the generosity of the ocean and the ferocity of a thunderstorm; he is cunning as a snake and gentle as a whisper; the gladness of sunshine and the humility of a thirty-mile walk by foot on a dirt road. Reclining at a meal, laughing with friends, and then going to the cross." - John Eldredge, A Beautiful Outlaw

Playfulness.

Scandal.

Generosity.

Ferocity.

Cunning.

Gentle.

Gladness.

Humility.

Real.

Jesus is our God, and he is all those things! We can't put a limit on him, or put him into a category of personality. He is the perfect balance of truth and grace. Everything about him is backwards from what the world expects/wants/is.

He is the difference between existing and living.

"It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by an offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." - C.S. Lewis

I see existing as falling captive to our own desires and pleasures and self-serving ambitions. It's going round and round and always looking for more. It can look like an overwhelming duty or a purposeless despair. It can be masked by many facades and suppressed until you've convinced yourself that you've won... but why settle for mud pies in a slum when we are offered a holiday at the sea?

Living looks like the above excerpt by Eldredge. It's appreciating creation, recognizing emotions,  embracing uncertainty, spending yourself for others out of the overflow of your heart. 

Jesus knew what the next day would entail when he sat at that dinner table surrounded by beautifully broken people who had no idea what He was doing. Not only was He preparing to die, He was preparing them to live by His Spirit- which would remain whenever he left them. And despite the ensuing pain, he didn't panic. He reclined. He laughed. Jesus laughed. He trusted his Father, as should we, because what He wants for us is in our best interest. Jesus entered the slum in hopes that we would follow him out to a (permanent) holiday at sea. This is the only Fountain that will quench our thirst.

it's 5 o'clock in the morning..

Beautiful Outlaw is a book everyone should read.

So thankful my brother got me to pick it up; it really has changed how I see and adore Jesus as a man. Towards the end, John Eldredge challenges religious fog that covers churches, etc., and he says this:

"Members can explain to you theories of the atonement, or seven steps to success, but can't name one intimate encounter they've had with Jesus... You can talk about sunshine and live your life underground; you can even go to the sea but never dive in..."

..at first I panicked because I was coming up blank on moments when I felt Jesus' presence, but when I remembered one, a whole bunch of memories came flooding back where the same Spirit that filled me was undeniably Jesus. Warning, this is personal but I'm not sharing this to say, "Look at me, I'm not like the people who preach Jesus without knowing him." I list these because they're simple and they really do bring me absolute JOY to think about. 

There are cool stories behind some of them too.

I experienced my Jesus...

- in the wind at YL area retreat

- on somebody's shoulders at Passion Pit at ACL

- no hands, night-riding the ruckus

- whenever it rains really hard

- my surprise party

- running down Harris street in cowboy boots

- driving through Tennessee at sunset

- on senior night at CPYL club

- putting Jane, Jack and Katherine to bed

- on a spontaneous ranch stop driving to Austin

- having a glass of wine with my mom on the patio

- snorkeling in Costa Rica

- watching the sunshine spread over the morning on Wilderness

- watching the rainclouds part around us on Wilderness

- during my all-nighter, alone in my apartment

Well, for that last one I wasn't alone in my apartment. Jesus was definitely there too. And this is my journal entry from that date at 4:41am.

God what do you have for me? why am i wide awake and so past desperate that i'm not even trying to sleep now?

So desperate that i got on twitter and tweeted about not sleeping. (lol) then i made a to-do list, got on tumblr, planned team meeting and listened to the whole Penny and Sparrow album. Then as I lay in the dark asking "WHY," a friend texted me saying she couldn't sleep either. what. So i asked her what was on her mind because i figured maybe you would speak through her. She said she was reading a book on prayer– "how God tells us he'll give us whatever we ask.. I think God wants us to open that door of trust and communication, so that he can get in our hearts and make our desires his."

God I am thankful for her. Thanks for using her to get me to turn on my light and be with you. It's kinda cool how you did this. Randomly my roommate is gone, which allows me to turn on my lamp and not go insane laying quietly in my dark maze of thoughts. Your ways are a mystery, they are limitless, and i thank you for letting me see you in this moment.

There are pages of writing after this. Many small realizations, cries for help, praises and questions. I hadn't given Him enough time in my day, so he woke me up in the night because he desperately loves me.

You are honest, playful, fiercely intentional, so completely human and simultaneously divine, extravagantly generous, liberating, cunning, humble, true, beautiful, scandalous. And i'm in love with you. 

Thanks for this realization at 5:43am.

How great is it– that our God is so intimate, so jealous for us, he will do whatever it takes to be with his kids. Not by force though; and He'll wait patiently if we ignore his little nudges. I pray he never ever stops nudging me and never stops giving me these moments that remind me how close he is.

Jesus– toss a pebble

Water like glass has always appealed to me.

Comfortable life is pretty appealing too.

Here's where i begin to make the connection: Water isn't meant to always be still. 

It's evaporating into the air, it's changing states, flowing in rivers, falling from clouds, rippling from gusts of wind or jumping fish. Stagnant water is less pure than running water. Stagnant water looks nicer on the surface, but underneath it can be full of dirt.

 Similarly, today i'm reminded that life isn't meant to be comfortable. {the world tells us otherwise... but Jesus doesn't follow the world's rules}

Another thing that appeals to me– early morning jet ski sessions on Canyon Lake where i get to tear up the glassy surface.

It's one of the things that makes me feel most alive, and i laugh as i think about how it parallels to living free and living full.

"Disturb us, Lord, when

We are too pleased with ourselves,

When our dreams have come true

Because we dreamed too little,

When we arrived safely

Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when

With the abundance of things we possess

We have lost our thirst

For the waters of life;

Having fallen in love with life,

We have ceased to dream of eternity

And in our efforts to build a new earth,

We have allowed our vision

Of the new Heaven to dim..."

-- Marvin Williams {emphasis added}

Disturb me, Jesus! What a scary prayer. My life looks so nice these days, and for that i am joyful and thankful. But i am also so prone to take the credit myself, as if i was the provider, the healer, the protector, the giver, the comforter, the strength that allows me to have the gifts that surround me.

But i'm not at all. 

The Lord is my shepherd {psalm 23:1}

The Lord is my strength  {psalm 28:7}

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior {psalm 18:2}

The Lord is my light and my salvation {psalm 27:1}

My Jesus is my Everything, and i will let him toss a pebble and disturb the quiet waters of my spirit if it means i get to experience him more. 

And gosh i hope he enjoys it as much as i love tearing up that perfectly smooth lake.

"Restore me to the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."

- Psalm 51:12

Photo courtesy of Noah's Ark Whitewater Co. {2011}

greetings, seasons

i have mixed feelings about finishing a journal. On one hand it's an opportunity to start a new season in my mind, and on another it is bittersweet because i put the journal away and don't carry it around anymore {therefore losing the ability to access its contents at hand}. And i love being able to access the contents of my journals because they hold tiny thoughts, exponential realizations and everything in between. Flipping through my beat-up, now-retired journal, i came across this:

s e a s o n s  with  H I M

<< seasons when she floats, when the melody in her head is SWEET, when she laughs unexpectedly and can't tell you why, when she reacts so gently because she's confident in her Author, when the smallest joys catch her eye and warm her heart, when trivial worries seem worlds away, when dependency is a desire and incompetence is a VICTORY, when each prayer gets her closer to home, when the Gospel of Grace moves her to tears, when she gives out of pure delight, when she stops trying to please and starts doing out of love in line with the Spirit, when patience comes easy, when the wind beckons her, when storms come and her response is to dance in the rain, when intentions are innocent and hugs are tighter, when she listens intently and her steps are lighter, when her heart is so full that she can't help but laugh and cry and LONG for her set of wings >>

WHERE did that go? Lord, give me this season all the time! Reading those words struck a chord in my heart and gave me a taste of the evident freedom that i had been somewhat distant from lately. And i felt that the timing of this re-ignition was purposeful..

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven...

     He has made everything beautiful in its time." - Ecclesiastes 3:1

So i will trust in your unfailing Love, and look to You for vision in this season.

- journal entry written on November fifth -
two days before this beautiful escape to Tennessee

backwards

"'Aslan,' said Lucy, 'You're bigger.'

'That is because you are older, little one,' answered he.

'Not because you are?'

'I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger.'"

– C.S. Lewis, Prince Caspian

My first question after hearing this was,

   "Wouldn't Aslan look smaller if Lucy had gotten older?"

i've started tutoring at an elementary school, and it amazes me how small the third grade students are. Wait no– how small everything in grade school is. The tiny chairs, low tables and water fountains.. i presume there are miniature toilets too (because there are separate restrooms for the adults).. basically everything is shrunken to meet the needs of the small humans who attend school there. And i haven't been in an elementary school since i was in fifth grade myself, but i know that in fifth grade the tables and chairs seemed to be ordinary-sized to me.

So i grew up and it all looks smaller.

But this is not how Aslan works; this is not how God works. Lucy grows up and finds Aslan bigger, although Aslan's size and power are consistently the same. {Hebrews 13:8} 

In the same way, throughout the time we know the Lord, and although he remains the same {thank you for that, Jesus}, we see him as being larger and larger! We feel His presence in more details of our day, and see His handiwork in our past, and trust in His plan– in which He defogs our lenses a little bit more every year we grow. So as Lucy grows, she begins to see Aslan's great size more clearly.

Lately, everything i notice is how backwards God works. He just loves to reverse society's perceptions, as a reminder that He is not limited to the systems mankind has created. Mankind says: you grow up and everything becomes smaller. God says: you grow up, and I become everything.

Lord my prayer is this: 

That you would be in all areas of my life. 

That i would feel You and see You and trust You.

That today would be the best day of my life, because i'm one day closer to You.

Thank you for the promise that You're coming back to this place.

i sure love You.

Spirit of truth

A few days ago i changed my Facebook profile picture to a bright, sunflower-y picture with a caption along the lines of "i miss the simplicity and wonder i felt in this picture last summer and Jesus is so generous to give me those memories."

To me, this was genuine and true and socially acceptable until i let satan get the best of me. A friend commented how typical it was, and i laughed in my head but then started thinking about what "typical" could mean: standard; here we go again; not another one. It was a downward spiral and i was suddenly self-conscious that people were viewing my vocality of joy as obnoxious, fake or annoying. And i did not want to be any of those things because all misrepresent my Jesus.

Thankfully i did realize, like i just said, that satan had tried to ruin my innocent intentions of posting the picture, so i banished him from my thoughts. i felt silly for letting him infiltrate such a small piece of my day as a Facebook picture, but really what he had done was made me doubt myself and scrutinize my own image where it wasn't needed.

John says there is a Spirit of truth (that would be the Holy Spirit) and a spirit of falsehood (which he calls the spirit of the antichrist). He laments that many deceivers have infiltrated our world, animated by this spirit of falsehood. A sobering picture. He urges us to pay close attention, because that spirit works by presenting distorted images of Jesus.

That was John Eldredge's take on 1 John 4:1-6, which is about testing the spirits. Many deceivers have infiltrated our world. They easily infiltrate my head and my heart too which is why i need John's warning.

i am confident of my identity in Jesus, so maybe i should take it as a compliment that satan sees that identity as well and wants to wreck it.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus, the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." - Romans 8:1-2

my chains are gone {photo by Layne Hutcheson}

rescued again and again

i looked around the dimly-lit coffee shop and noticed the gazes between couples, separated only by small white mugs and steam. i noticed Ben and Annie's special hand-hold in the car as we passed the twinkling holiday lights of downtown. i noticed how my heart was hurting but i couldn't figure out why.

Driving us home, Ben slowed to a stop as the railroad crossing bar lowered and we saw the headlights approaching. This was when i started laughing, and the built-up tears spilled over. {it's a good thing Ben and Annie know and love me, or else i might have seemed rather weird / unstable}

My best friend and Savior, the One know knows me best, the true Love of my life had {once again} finally got my attention! He knows that trains are "my thing"... that every time i see a train i pray... so naturally that would be the perfect way to remind me that on my busy Saturday i had, once again, forgotten about Him! Running around Christmas shopping i had even forgotten to eat that day, much less get on my knees and thank Him for this season of his birth. 

As quick as that train came and went, my heart felt free and light and merry. How does it still leave me awestruck that He really does answer prayers? My prayer: Lord, please make my soul heavy, make my spirit feel off if i place anything over You. His answer: I'm the one gazing into your eyes and holding your hands, even when you forget about Me. Here is the heavy spirit you asked for, but look here I Am! Now be free.

In C.S. Lewis' novels, Aslan quietly guides and provides the children with just what they need for their adventures in Narnia. Similarly my Father, the Creator and Artist of everything, enjoys revealing himself and coming to my aid in the most creative, playful, personal ways.

prodigal

i've tasted Your Glory and i left it there.
you poured out Your Spirit and i didn't care. still You loved me

nothing compares to what You've done for me

my heart has been broken, i've laid out my shame

so i'll tell of Your Story, i'll carry Your Name

i'll live for Your Glory, Lord i'll share in Your Pain

just to love You
– Michael Gungor Band, "Prodigal"

This song. This story.
A younger son asks for his inheritance, says "hey dad, give me my money.. i'm gonna do things my own way. i'm done here." {that would hurt my feelings if i were the dad.. but he lets his son go anyway} So the son goes nuts and ends up homeless, starving, low, broken, empty.

"After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need." - Luke 15:14

i'm thinking about the stories in AA meetings that i've had the privilege to hear: moments of rock bottom redemption. i'm thinking of everyone who has the chance to hear the Gospel but chooses to live for themselves instead. i'm thinking of myself and how i'm no different because i, too, have fallen just as short and have hit that point of desperation. It's easy to coast along when life is fair, not needing a savior, but when we lose our grip is when we desire to cling to Truth and Hope.

i look back at the seasons where i am so in need of sovereign help, so quick to obey and appreciate, and i long to be there again. My life is in order these days, therefore i need to be cautious of who's getting the glory and be reminded of who's hand gets me through each day.

i'm thankful for mistakes and heartbreaks because they now point me toward a dependency that's not only healthy but HOLY. i'm thankful for the younger son, who humbly returns to his Good Father, expecting punishment {which is only natural for human minds to assume} but receiving open arms and abundant GRACE {which only a Limitless Creator and an Unconditional Love could concoct}.

Nothing compares to what You've done for me.

"We had to celebrate! He was lost and is found."